Sawyer is a Romantic
by GoldenGirl
Summary: SKate. Sawyer's idea of a romantic evening went very badly. But even with JoseJack out of the way can he still save it in time?
1. a very romantic surprise

Title: Sawyer is a Romantic

Author: GoldenGirl

Pairing: SKATE

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I don't own Lost or any of it's characters, yada yada yada.

Chapter 1: A Very Romantic Surprise

They were walking through the jungle for the better part of an hour and Kate still had no idea where Sawyer was taking her. Every time she tried to get it out of him he would simply smirk seductively and tell her he wouldn't want to spoil the surprise.

And that only made Kate more curious.

In all the time she'd been with Sawyer he had never surprised her before and she was just itching to find out what he had in store for her.

Although he wasn't saying much or divulging any hints as to what the surprise might be he seemed really excited. And his excitement served to cause a similar reaction in Kate. She noticed that he hadn't stopped smiling since he asked her to come along with him.

The electric silence between them gave way to Kate's now over-active imagination. She'd heard that Sayid once brought Shannon through the jungle to reach another part of the beach where he had set up a romantic dinner on a blanket, torches lighting the area.

She discreetly looked far ahead of them to see if she could see any hints of torch flames. But it was really too dark to see much of anything.

"We're almost there," Sawyer said. "Close your eyes."

She did so, albeit reluctantly, knowing that the surprise would be better this way. Hadn't Claire told her something about Charlie surprising her with her favorite food after he'd told her to close her eyes? She remembered thinking it was an adorable story but she doubted Sawyer would ever do something like that. Come to think of it, she wouldn't want him to anyway. If Sawyer brought her all the way out here to give her an empty jar of peanut butter, she'd sock him.

He moved behind her and slinked his arms around her waist, the front of his legs pressing against the back of hers to guide her. After a few steps, he stopped and so did she.

"Can I open my eyes now?" she asked.

"Yep."

She opened her eyes in expectant wonder but her expression quickly changed into one of confusion as she looked around.

"What am I supposed to be looking at?" she asked, tentatively, not wanting to hurt his feelings.

Sawyer walked in front of her and spread his arms out as if to capture the abundance of goodness he'd just presented her with.

"Look around!" he exclaimed. "We're completely alone here. There's no one for miles." He looked at her pointedly now. "This could be our own private love shack."

Kate did look around. There was no shack to speak of. Just lots of trees and... partial shade? Is that what he meant? She looked at Sawyer and he suddenly felt the need to explain.

"I could've wasted my time like Sayid building a hut for his sex adventures but did you see what happened? His little girlfriend up and died. And he can never use it anymore. Waste of time."

_we could've borrowed it..._ Kate thought, fleetingly.

"But you havent seen the best part yet," Sawyer continued.

He walked over to a large fallen tree trunk and crouched down beside it. "Check this baby out." He patted it proudly. "Imagine all the things we could do with this thing. We could lay on it, sit on it, lean against it, ooo we could bend over it." This last addendum seemed to have just come to him. His eyes glazed over in a mixture of pride and awe as they swept along the surface of the tree. Sawyer draped a gentle arm across it's width.

"Aint she a beaut?" And in a barely audible choked whisper he added, "I call her Rhonda."

Kate stood very still and very, very confused watching the scene in front of her play out. She coughed and Sawyer remembered she was standing a few feet away.

He turned to look at her, his eyebrows arched suggestively as a wide grin began to spread itself along his face.

"You brought me all the way out here to have sex on a log?" she asked, incredulous.

"Yes?" Sawyer wasn't sure what he did wrong but Kate seemed to be getting upset. "What? It looks comfortable enough."

Kate walked over to Sawyer and his new trusty sidekick and examined them both curiously. "No, Sawyer. It doesn't. The trees are never comfortable, you know that. I still have marks on my back from last time. But that's besides the point."

The excitement was more or less all gone from Sawyer's face. He stood. "So you didn't like the surprise," he said, disappointed.

And suddenly, looking at him with his head bent in shame, Kate felt bad. He'd only tried to do a nice thing, after all.

She smiled and walked towards him, dispersing the space between them. "I like it." He didn't seem very convinced so she hugged him, resting her cheek against his shoulder. "I love it. The sex tree is..." she looked out into the distance, trying to think of the right word.

Trying...

Still trying...

"I love the sex tree."

"Really?"

Kate looked up, seeing the hope in Sawyer's eyes. "Sure." She wondered if she sounded convincing enough. "Besides, I don't usually go for the romantic stuff, anyway," she said thinking of how Sayid and Charlie had surprised their girls.

Sawyer held Kate back suddenly and now he was upset all over again.

"Wait a minute, are you telling me you don't consider this romantic?"

"The sex tree?"

"_Surprising_ you with the sex tree!" he tried to make it sound much nicer but it didn't have that effect.

Kate sighed. She was getting tired of convincing him his tree was a brilliant idea. She wasn't that good of a liar.

"Yeah. Ok. It was romantic," she said absent-mindedly. "Now take off your pants."

"I can do romantic in my sleep!"

And now she had to laugh. "_Ok._"

"What, you don't think so!"

"I didnt say that..."

"I'll prove it to you!" he said. "We're going out on a date tomorrow night. A bonafide, gen-u-ine date."

"Sawyer, you really don't have to do that–"

"I'm going to do it cuz I'm a romantic, damnit!"

And then he proceeded to take off his pants.


	2. A very romantic group therapy session

Chapter 2: A Very Romantic Group Therapy session

"Just remember that this is an open space."

Libby motioned to the circle of space around the small campfire in front of her. Sitting on logs in a semicircle surrounding this space were 3 pairs of islanders listening to her speak. She was conducting her first group therapy session for couples after successfully initiating a few private sessions with Charlie and Claire.

They had just come up to her one day asking for advice, unwittingly mistaking her for a psychologist. She was, in fact, a clinical psychiatrist and could do little more than prescribe the average antidepressant. But she didnt have any of those and no one was asking for credentials and so she decided to pretend to be a therapist for a little while. She enjoyed giving advice to people and to be taken so seriously. Did therapists even give advice? She wasn't very sure but she did know that the earthy tones she was sporting gave off a guru-type vibe and so she gave advice anyway.

Having so much fun helping Claire and Charlie out, she decided to expand on the whole relationship-help prospect and so here they all were; Claire and Charlie, Sawyer and Kate, and Jack and Ana Lucia.

"In this space," Libby continued, "you're free to discuss whatever it is you're feeling. You wont be judged.

"Charlie, you can talk about being in DriveShaft. Don't be ashamed. You won't be judged," she repeated.

Well, she was wrong on that part. Sawyer was already judging almost everyone present. Well, he cut Charlie some slack cuz he knew Claire had probably dragged him over here against his will. Just like Kate had done to him. Their little rendevous a few hours earlier hadn't gone as planned and Kate thought it'd be a "good idea" to discuss some things with Dr. Libby over here. And there wasn't much use arguing. He was in a irelationship/I now. Which meant he was whipped indefinitely, going wherever Kate wanted to go and being forced to hang out with her "friends."

But Jack? He wasn't going to cut him any slack. He _knew_ this wasn't Ana Lucia's idea. Jack, being the one who wore the skirt in the relationship, had definitely dragged his new little girlfriend here. Sawyer figured he had probably done it to get an earful of the full goings on of his relationship with Kate.

And Sawyer was absolutely right on all counts. It _was_ Jack's idea to bring Ana Lucia to couples therapy. He _did_ want to know everything he could about Sawyer and Kate's relationship. And he _did_ wear the skirt in his own relationship.

In any event, Jack was sure this whole couples therapy thing would work out to his advantage. If he was privy to all of Sawyer and Kate's relationship problems (subsequently finding out about all of Sawyer's shortcomings as a boyfriend) then he could easily step in and present himself as the better man.

Not that he was even jealous or anything. No, he was just fine with Kate and Sawyer's relationship. Absolutely a-okay. In fact, he was _so_ fine with it that to prove it to everyone, he started seeing Ana Lucia.

"Now, I've had a few sessions with Charlie and Claire already so lets start with another couple," Libby said.

Jack cocked his head in Kate's direction indicating that Libby start with her. She seemed to take the hint and turned to Kate and Sawyer.

"And what brings you two here?"

Kate sat up, taken aback by the question. She didnt think she'd need an excuse for coming and she couldnt think of a lie quick enough. She sure as hell knew she wasn't going to discuss the sex tree in front of everyone.

Kate looked over at Sawyer for some support but all he did was shrug and divert any responsibilities he feared he had. She gave him one of those couply looks that he knew meant 'we're in this thing together.' He rolled his eyes and prepared himself for what she might say.

"Well, Sawyer and I are fine," she began. "We just thought it'd be interesting to come and... check this out."

Libby nodded and turned to Sawyer.

"And how do you deal with Kate's constant lying?"

"Wait, what?" Kate snapped.

"You're lying," Libby said. Well, she didnt know for sure that Kate was lying but thegirl had a reputation of it and Libby went with it. "You're obviously hiding something from the group. I'm ashamed of you. We all are."

Ignoring Kate's expression of consternation, Libby turned to Sawyer.

"Sawyer, why don't _you_ tell us why you're here?"

And now it was Sawyer's turn to look at Kate. He gave her one of his own couply looks which Kate knew meant 'you brought me to this thing. This is your own fault."

"I'm here because Kate dragged me here."

Kate shook her head and smiled ruefully.

"And why do you think Kate dragged you here?"

He hesitated. All eyes were on him and he suddenly didn't feel like spilling his guts, but looking at Kate he could see that she, like everyone else, was expecting him to say something. She had a sarcastic smile on her face and was doing that couple eye thing again. Being able to communicate with Kate without words was really starting to get annoying. Kate raised her eyebrows and stared at him harder which he knew meant 'well, go on, what have you got to say?'

He cleared his throat. "She doesn't think I'm romantic enough."

He could hear Jack trying to stifle a laugh and that only made Sawyer all the more annoyed. "Oh and you're a regular Casanova, right?" He shouted.

"It's Jose now man. And you best believe it, Ese."

Jack, knowing he couldn't woo Ana Lucia on his manly charms alone, had adopted an Hispanic gangster-type persona and christened his new self Jose. He wore his plaid shirt, buttoned only at the collar, over a white undershirt. The ensemble was topped off with a bandana over his forehead.

"Jack, please put the gun away."

And a gun.

"Maybe Kate's definition of romance is a little different then mine," Sawyer spat, "but my intentions were good. So sue me if I thought a fallen tree in middle of the jungle would be a good place for us to–"

"Let's not get into that right now," Kate quickly interrupted.

"Orale, I think they be in a romantic funk, yo," Jack said, briefly confusing even himself with his poorly-chosen ghetto slang. "I'm a true romantic."

"If by romantic you mean wuss," Ana Lucia chimed in, "then I agree."

"I love you too, baby," Jack said, distracted by the sight of Kate. He began to make out with Ana, hoping to make Kate jealous but in the act of staring at her he missed Ana's mouth completely and was currently jammed his tongue down her ear.

Ana Lucia pushed him away, her demonic sneer never leaving her face. She directed her attention to Libby, with whom she seemed determined to speak.

"Can we talk about something more important than romance?" she asked. "Like sex."

Everyone's attention was piqued now.

"Now there's a suggestion," Sawyer said.

Ana Lucia went on. "Sex with Jack scares me."

"Oh?" Libby said.

Jack tried to cut in but Ana Lucia simply ignored him and continued talking.

"Yeah," she replied. "He just rolls over afterwards, hugs his knees, and cries."

"Uh, maybe we shouldn't be discussing this," Jack whispered, breaking out of the gangster character.

And just as Ana Lucia had been doing the whole night, and as a matter of fact since the start of their relationship, she ignored him.

"Cries," she repeated. "Every time."

Kate suddenly realized that she had absolutely no reason to complain about Sawyer's lack of romance. At least the sex was great. And he never cried afterwards. Poor Ana Lucia couldn't say the same. Kate looked at Sawyer with newfound appreciation. Romance comes and goes, but great sex? That lasts forever.

Sawyer noticed how happy she suddenly seemed and thought she was thinking about their upcoming date. Something he'd nearly forgotten all about. He would have to come up with something really romantic, really quick.


	3. A very romantic attempt at romance

Chapter 3: A Very Romantic Attempt At Romance

The therapy session had not gone as smoothly as was anticipated. It wasn't long before Jack tried to prove his manliness by showing a bit of his manhood.

Everyone abruptly left as soon as his pants came off.

Sawyer spent the rest of the night trying to get ideas for his impending date with Kate. He'd never had any trouble seducing women but then again he never had to be romantic about it. He was determined, though, to make this date as romantic as it could possibly be for Kate. He loved her and now he just had to show her how much.

He went to Michael first, figuring that he'd convinced a girl to love him long enough to get her pregnant. Finding him in middle of the forest shouting Walt's name, Sawyer only managed to get one piece advice that turned out to be more of a warning.

"Don't get her pregnant, man," Michael had cryptically told him. "Trust me."

Sawyer left the screaming Michael in the jungle and went to Locke who suggested he shave his head because "women love bald guys." Hurley wasn't much help either saying that the only thing women find romantic were millions of dollars. Jin's advice was least helpful when, after asking countless questions, Sawyer was only able to deduce the word "boat" from his vocabulary.

He went to Sayid next, figuring that he had to have some tricks up his sleeve to nab a barely legal hottie like Shannon.

"You want advice?" Sayid had said, fastening the knot on a rope he was tooling with. "Suicide is the only answer if you do not want to feel the pain of ever losing someone." He threw the rope over the sturdy branch of a tree.

Oblivious, and starting to get annoyed by all the bad advice he was getting, Sawyer fired off. "Can you stop playing with that rope and talking nonsense?" he'd said. "I just want to do something romantic for Kate."

"And I only wanted to fck to Shannon. What is your point?"

Sayid slipped his head through the loop at the end of his rope and handed the other end to Sawyer. "Now pull as hard as you can."

Sawyer stared dumbfounded at the man with the noose tied around his neck. He seemed to finally understand what Sayid was doing.

"Are you saying I should wear a tie? For my date?"

Sayid could only stare blankly as Sawyer walked away, finally satisfied with some good advice.

After finding a nice tie and safely storing it away for the next night, it was time for Sawyer to get the one thing he innately knew all women found romantic. Booze.

He could cap off the date with a round of liquor for him and Kate to share under the moonlight. Maybe even recreate the 'I Never' game they played all those weeks ago only this time have it end with lots and lots of sex.

Yes, Sawyer thought, booze would be ideal.

The only problem was that all the booze left on the island was in Jack's possession. The doctor had it all saved under the excuse that it was for medical purposes. But Sawyer knew that both Jack and Ana Lucia were alcoholics and he suspected that booze was the only thing Jack had to lure Ana into sleeping with him. He also figured that Ana Lucia needed the booze in order to tolerate sleeping with Jack in the first place.

As Sawyer walked into the caves, ready to state his case for the alcohol, he spotted Jack trying to tame a boar by giving it something to eat.

"Catch our dinner?" Sawyer asked.

Jacked turned around when he heard Sawyer's voice.

"Dinner? Hells no. This be my new ride."

"Your ride?"

"Ana Lucia says real men ride hogs so I got me one," Jack patted the back of his new ride and it snorted in response.

Despite the ridiculousness of it all Sawyer seemed to understand what Jack was trying to say.

"When she says hog I think she means motorcycle," he said.

Jack looked down at his boar and squinted thoughtfully. He looked back up at Sawyer and they shared an awkward moment of bewildered silence

"Was there something you needed?" Jack finally asked.

"Yeah, I need some liquor."

Jack snorted. "What for, Ese?"

Sawyer didnt feel like staying to chat but if he wanted to the goods he was going to have to comply with Jack's demands.

"I have a date."

"A date?" The wheels in Jack's head started turning as he thought about what this date actually meant.

Sawyer was already with Kate, he wouldn't need to take her out on a date to get her to sleep with her. Which only meant one thing; Sawyer was cheating on Kate. All this time Jack thought he'd have to work so hard to split them up and here was Sawyer doing all the work for him. If Jack helped Sawyer cheat and then exposed him to Kate then she would surely be his!

Jack threw his head back and laughed maniacally, losing himself in it until he saw Sawyer was staring at him.

"What?" Jack asked.

"You were just laughing manically."

The two men stared at each other and for the second time that night shared an awkward moment of bewildered silence.

"Take all the liquor you need!" Jack suddenly exclaimed, racing around the caves to fetch Sawyer all the bottles he could find.

Sawyer was pleasantly surprised at how simple this was turning out to be. Jack handed him a couple of bottles with a smile on his face and even wished him a good date.

"Don't tell Kate," Sawyer said, holding up the bottles. He wanted to keep every aspect of their date a secret.

Jack, thinking he meant dont-tell-kate-I'm-cheating-on-her assured Sawyer that he wouldn't tell.

"Kate, Sawyer's cheating on you."

Kate looked at Jack, who was standing only a foot away from her, and searched his face to see if he was joking.

"Jack, that's ridiculous."

"It's Jose now, and he told me so himself." He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and looked her in the eye with a very serious expression on his face.

"I know this is so typical of him because he's such a _bastardo _but just remember I'm here for you."

"Jack," Kate said, looking him in the eye just as seriously.

"Jose," Jack corrected.

"Jose, Sawyer isn't cheating on me. I'm the hottest girl on the island. Who could he possibly cheat on me with?"

"I know this is hard for you!" Jack said wrapping his arms around her.

"Jack..." Kate said warily. She knew where this was going and did not want to be pulled into one of Jack's 'comforting' hugs again.

Before he could get too good of a hold on her she began stepping away but every time she stepped back he stepped forward. She held up her arm, willing him to keep his distance much the way you would if someone was holding a gun to you.

"I know, I know, Sawyer is such an asshole how could he do this to you?" Jack said, taking her outstretched arm and grabbing her wrist.

As he pulled her to him she tried to pressed her forearms against his chest but the defensive motion only inspired a more offensive approach from him.

"He isn't cheating on me, Jack! I don't need a hug! Please, not another hug!"

He tightened his hold on her despite her obvious refusal to be pulled into his forceful hug. Her attemps at pulling away now were hopeless.

"Shhhhh," Jack whispered. "It's ok."

"Jack, I'm fine!" Kate tried to protest further but was now so fully pressed against Jack that her face was tightly nestled somewhere between his chest and armpit. It was not pleasant.

After a full minute of _hugging_ Kate, Jack finally pulled away. Kate gasped in a mouthful of air.

"So you're going to break up with him, then?"

Kate was too shaken up from her hug to say anything. Where was Sawyer when she needed him?


	4. A Very Romantic Date

Chapter 4: A very Romantic Date (parts 1 & 2)

Sawyer cleared his throat. He looked down at the pad of paper in his palm, read something to himself and then looked back up to the woman sitting across from him. He fixed the most seductive smile he could muster on his face and proceeded to say the line he'd just memorized.

"I want to do you, baby. Right here, right now."

He finished the line off with a licking of his lips and then his expression switched off from a seductive one to a hopeful one.

Sitting across from Sawyer, Rose scowled. "Now, I'm not sure that was very romantic," she said. "Why don't you try something like 'You're looking lovely tonight.'"

Sawyer jotted the words down quickly and then focused his gaze back on Rose.

Thinking hard and trying to sound as romantic as possible he uttered the words slowly.

"You're looking lovely tonight."

Rose smiled but before she could properly commend him on a job well done, Sawyer continued speaking.

"I want to do you, right here, right now."

Rose sighed and shook her head. "Let's try explaining what romance means first."

Sawyer had come to Rose earlier that day hoping to practice some of his best romantic lines on her and get some feedback from a woman's perspective. For the last half hour, Rose had been rejecting all of Sawyer's lines and feeding him new ones, but he wasn't a very fast learner and although she gave him the most innocent of lines he'd succeed in making them sound awfully lewd. And frankly, she was getting tired of hearing how many degrees of horny Sawyer was.

Jack was getting tired too. For the last half hour he had been crouching behind a bush ten feet away and spying on Rose and Sawyer's 'date.' He had been following Sawyer all day hoping to catch him red handed as he cheated on Kate and now he finally had some proof. He'd just heard Sawyer tell Rose that he wanted to do her. iAnd/i that she was looking lovely! The nerve.

Jack wanted nothing more than to show Kate what Sawyer was doing with another woman, but because he couldn't feasibly develop any photographs on the island, he was subjected to drawing sketches of the scene in front of him on his very own pad of paper. He never though 4 years of being an Art minor in college would come in handy but he had to admit his sketches were incredibly lifelike. He drew a word bubble over Sawyer's head and wrote "you're looking lovely" in it.

Sawyer apprehensively stood in front of Kate's tent, preparing himself for a night that had go off without any hitches. He had spent the day making preparations and setting everything up and now it was just up to him to look the part. He patted down his pockets making sure he had her gift and his notepad full of romantic lines with him, ran his fingers through his combed-back hair and readjusted his neck tie.

Just as he was about to tap on her tarp, Kate stepped out to meet him.

"Kate. Hi. I was just about to–"

"You were standing out here for 10 minutes. I saw your shadow."

"10 minutes?" he said, smiling nervously. "Was it really that long?"

Kate nodded but decided to drop the issue when she noticed his appearance. He wasn't wearing his usual pair of jeans but instead wore neat black slacks that she couldn't remember ever seeing. He also dug out his old red plaid shirt and managed to find a tie to wear under the collar. Kate had to admit she was impressed. The look could've easily been a little too farmer-crashes-the-black-tie-gala but he'd managed to pull it off. He even shampooed his hair. Kate hadn't shampooed her hair.

"You clean up nice," she said, smiling. She looked down at her own clothes and even though she was wearing her cleanest shirt (the green one she'd worn for their first kiss) she still felt a little underdressed.

"I kind of feel underdressed."

iUnderdressed/i Sawyer thought. He could get her a whole lot more underdressed in a matter of seconds.

"I could get you a whole lot more und–" He stopped himself quickly and remembered what Rose had taught him.

"You're looking lovely, tonight." He said.

The gleam in Kate's eyes as she smiled told Sawyer that things were off to a pretty good start.

The last time Sawyer took Kate on a hike through the jungle with the promise of a surprise she was met with the iother/ilove of Sawyer's life, Rhonda. So now, as Sawyer took her hand and lead her through the trees, she was a little less than enthusiastic about this new surprise.

"I'm not closing my eyes this time."

"I promise this surprise will be better," Sawyer replied. "Come on, we're almost there."

Despite her better judgment, and maybe because she really wanted to believe that Sawyer could pull off something romantic, Kate closed her eyes and let him guide the rest of her way.

She could hear the ocean waves crashing and feel that they were walking on sand now and surmised that they had emerged from the jungle and onto a new, secluded part of the beach.

Sawyer stopped walking and she did too, impatiently waiting for him to tell her to open her eyes. She felt him move behind her and sweep her hair behind her neck so that he could tuck his chin in the crook of her neck.

"Okay," he whispered, "open them."

Kate opened her eyes.

Not too far from where she stood sat a very happy, cross-legged Charlie, a guitar resting his on his knees.

"Surprise!" He said, smiling broadly.

Kate blinked. She looked at Charlie, and then back at Sawyer who was smiling just as broadly. She grabbed her date's hand and dragged him a few feet away so that Charlie couldn't hear what she was saying.

"What the hell is this, Sawyer?" she whispered, angrily. "I hope you don't expect us to have sex on top of ihim/i too because if you do, so help me God I will–"

"Hey! No one is having sex on top of Charlie!" He said in his own angry whisper. "I wouldn't wish that on any woman."

"Then what's Charlie doing at our date?"

"Don't worry, baby, you're gonna love what I have planned for us tonight." He held out his hand and waited for Kate to take hold of it. After sneaking a few suspicious looks at Charlie and deciding to just trust Sawyer and hope something would come out of this. She placed her hand in his and allowed him to walk her back.

"Sorry, Charlie," Kate said, smiling meekly. "I just didn't expect you to be part of the surprise."

"'S okay," he responded. "You're not the first girl to run away from me. I think the whole celebrity thing intimidates them."

"Right. The celebrity thing."

Sawyer knew that Kate's little scare was just a small glitch in his night of romance. So far he'd managed to keep things running smoothly (mostly because he didn't say much on the trek through the jungle) and he still had time to make her forget she ever doubted the Charlie surprise in the first place. He was going to put Charlie to good use tonight.

"Let's get this show on the road, shall we?" Sawyer announced. He sat Kate down on a blanket spread across from Charlie and then sat himself down beside the man with the guitar.

"I brought Charlie cuz he plays an instrument. And he told me girls like to be serenaded." He could tell he was doing something right by the way Kate suddenly lit up and sat a little straighter. She looked at him with a curiously amused expression on her face which only made Sawyer all the more nervous and excited. "I've never done this for anyone before so bare with me if I sound like an old horse or somethin."

The she looked like she was about ready to hug right there and he hadn't even begun singing. But the way she looked at him, smiling sweetly like that, made him blush and he had to bend his head forward so that she wouldn't see that. He took his time retrieving the pad of paper from his pocket where he'd written all the words to the song he was going to sing. Not that he needed the words in frnt of him to sing it. This was just about the only song he knew by heart but he still jotted the words down just in case he got too nervous and fibbed a line.

He motioned for Charlie to begin and the small Brit did, strumming the strings of his guitar. After a few notes, Charlie started off the song, singing back up vocals, in a high-pitched girly voice.

"Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt. It is so big. She looks like, one of those rap guys' girlfriends."

Kate's ears perked up, and she scrunched her eyebrows together in thought. Those lyrics sounded awfully familiar, albeit really strange. And just when she figured out what song Sawyer had chosen to serenade her with, he began to belt out the main lyrics.

"I like big ibutts/i and I can not lie  
You other brothers can't deny  
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist  
And a round thing in your face  
You get isprung/i, wanna pull out your tongue  
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed  
Deep in the jeans she's wearing  
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring  
Oh baby, I wanna get iwit'cha/i  
And take your picture  
My homeboys tried to warn me  
But with that butt you got makes me feel so ihorny/i"

Kate wasn't all together sure she could believe what she was seeing. Sawyer was really into the song, stressing key words like "butt" and "sprung" at the appropriate times. Even Charlie was really into the song, mouthing the words and staring at Sawyer as if he was some sort of rock and roll legend.

What disturbed Kate most, though, were the words Sawyer was singing. Was he trying to send her a message? Was he trying to say that Kate had a big ass or that she should try working at getting a big ass because that's what he liked?

Instead of stirring up feelings of romance, as was Sawyer's intention, he was simply succeeding in causing Kate a great deal of confusion and insecurity. She serupticiously moved her hand down to her side and tried to hide as much of her butt as possible from Sawyer's view.

"So, fellas!" he continued.

"Yeah!" Charlie shouted, on cue.

"Fellas!"

"Yeah!"

"Has your girlfriend got the butt?"

"Hell Yeah!" (Claire did inot/i have "the butt")

"Tell 'em to shake it!" Sawyer continued, "Shake it! Shake that healthy butt! Baby got back!"

Charlie strummed the last chord and he and Sawyer looked at Kate expectantly. Realizing they were waiting for some sort of applause, she quickly put her hands together and clapped, much to their happiness.

"You liked it?" Sawyer asked, unable to hide the pride in his features. "Cuz I can sing another." He turned to Charlie. "Do you know the music for the thong song?"

Charlie nodded and began to play straight away but Kate stopped the encore before it could get going.

"That was... wow!" She announced, quickly. "Really, really... wow."

Sawyer grinned widely, mistaking Kate's "wow" for an expression of actual amazement. Which it wasn't.

Sawyer left his place next to Charlie and in all his excitement from just performing, kissed Kate full on the lips. She accepted this sudden passionate maneuver, never one to deny herself a kiss with Sawyer, when she suddenly remembered that Charlie was only a couple of feet away. Watching them.

"Is he, uh, going to stay for the rest of the date?" she asked, breaking away.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Charlie said, standing up and swinging his guitar over his back. He was getting ready to go but stopped, remember that he wanted to congratulate Sawyer on a job well done with the singing.  
He pulled a reluctant Sawyer away from Kate for a moment.

"You did a great job tonight, mate. Thanks for giving me my first gig since the crash. I mean, it was only a matter of time before I--"  
"Thanks little buddy," Sawyer interrupted him, patting him on the head. "Now if you don't mind I've got a beautiful woman waiting for me so..."  
"Wait," Charlie said, stopping Sawyer before he could shoo him away. "I'm starting a band, you know. Driveshaft 2. We're looking for a lead singer if you're interested.""You and who else?" Sawyer scoffed.  
"Well it's just me at the moment. I just say 'we' cuz it sounds cooler."

Sawyer threw his head back and laughed heartily. "You want me to join your rock band?" He asked, loudly, capturing Kate's attention. "What kind of a loser do you think I am!"  
He let his loud laughter linger on a little longer before looking Charlie in the eye and muttering, "We'll talk after my date."

Charlie brightened up considerably and finally left Sawyer and Kate alone.

Now that the serenade was over and done with it was time for Sawyer to implement the second part of the date: dinner.

If his romantic efforts were lost on Kate because of his unwittingly unromantic song, his walk with her to dinner made up for it. He draped his arm around her waist and held on tight as he whispered sweet nothings in her ear. Well, Kate took "rump-o-smooth-skin" as a sweet nothing while Sawyer fancied it a brand new nickname for his girl. The stroll around the small bend on the beach to where he had set up a place for them to eat went smoothly up until they heard a rustling in the trees nearby.

They stood silently, listening for other sounds, but none came and they decided to just go on with the date as planned, figuring it was just the wind.

Kate was impressed with the romantic ambiance. Sawyer had spread out a blanket and had gone to the hatch and stolen away dishes, glasses, utensils and every other possible kitchen accessory a proper table setting would require. She even saw some napkin rings scattered around the blanket that he obviously had no clue what to do with but, oddly enough, the thought of him bringing them along anyway still made her smile. He'd even managed to get torch lights to line the area around them, providing a warm glow that really set the mood.

"This is beautiful," Kate said, sitting down across from Sawyer.  
"And romantic?"  
"And romantic." Kate smiled. "What are we going to eat?"

"Oh, yeah. The food," Sawyer said, opening a napkin and placing it on his lap. "Claire was telling me today how Charlie did this really romantic thing for her where he gave her an empty jar of peanut butter and they pretended to eat it. I'm kinda embarrassed to admit it but I thought that was a cute story."

"It is," Kate said. "Where's our food?"  
"So I thought," Sawyer continued, "what if I do the same thing? Only instead of a pretend jar of peanut butter, we do one better and have a whole pretend dinner. That way we can both eat our favorite dishes."

Kate's mouth fell open just a tiny bit before the corners of her lips turned up to form a smile. "Haha Sawyer, very funny," she said, beginning to chuckle. "Now lets see what you prepared." Sawyer grinned and motioned for Kate to pick up her fork. "This is it! What's more romantic then serving you your favorite dish on a deserted island, am I right?"

Kate's smile gradually faded away and she tried to read his face to see if he was joking. She looked around to see if there was a picnic basket or a bag or even a rolled-up bundle of food anywhere around. She looked back up at Sawyer only to see that he had already grabbed his fork and knife and began dramatically jabbing them into the fake food on his plate.

"Come on, Kate, dig in!" he said, excitedly. "I'm having pork chops, what are you having?"  
Kate stared at him, dumbfounded. "Air, apparently," she muttered.  
Sawyer sighed and shook his head but continued concentrating on the pesky pork chop in front of him that just couldnt cut.

"You know, I've been with girls like you before. Anorexics."  
Kate rolled her eyes. "Sawyer, I'm not–"  
But before she could finish her sentence, another rustle in the nearby trees cut her off. Sawyer heard it too and stopped clanking his fork against the plate.

"What is that?" Kate asked.

The rustling got louder and louder until it became the unmistakable sound of someone moving through the trees. Sawyer quickly made to get up and move over to Kate's side to protect her but he stopped when he saw it was only Jack emerging from the woods.

"What the hell are you doing here, Jackass?"  
"You, shut up!" Jack yelled, walking over to where Sawyer and Kate sat.  
"Were you spying on us?" Kate asked, appalled.

"Yes! I was spying on you! And I was spying on Sawyer the whole day."  
"What the f–"  
Jack cut him by tossing a few sheets of loose paper onto Kate's lap. "There's the proof of him cheating on you."  
"What the hell are you talking about, Pedro? I ain't cheatin' on nobody."  
"Just look at the drawings, Kate!" Jack yelled. "There's no denying it now. I told you after our hug that I'd get to the bottom of this." he turned to Sawyer. "_Yeah_, we hugged."

Sawyer's eyes bulged as he heard that and he turned to Kate. "He _hugged_ you? Are you ok?"  
"I'm fine," Kate answered, but she was distracted by the sketches Jack had presented her with. Her face grew more and more disgusted with every new sheet.  
"Jack, these look like pornographic sketches... And you labeled them 'Jose and Kate making babies.'"

Jack suddenly lunged for the sketches, grabbing them out of Kate's hands. His face turned beat red as he crumpled them up and shoved them into his back pocket. "Wrong sketches," he muttered, coughing to hide the embarrassment in his voice.  
He dug into his other pocket and retrieved the right drawings, looking them over briefly to make sure.

Kate took them and skimmed the pages, her face growing more and more disgusted withe every new sheet. Again.

"They're awful," she said.  
"Das righ'. Sawyer _is_ awful. Dump his sorry ass."  
"I meant the sketches."  
"Wait, what?"

Jack yanked the papers back and examining them himself. "I was an art minor at an Ivy League university, yo. I'm pretty sure these aren't awful."  
"They're stick figures."  
"They're Sawyer and Rose on a date!"  
"That was Sawyer?" Kate asked, taking the papers back and scrutinizing them more closely. "I thought it was a pineapple."

"The point is!" Jack said, loudly, trying to refocus the attention on Sawyer's cheating ways. "Is Sawyer really the kind of guy you want to be with, mami? Because I was spying on you guys this whole time and I gotta say, this date really sucks _mucho._

"I'm way better than he is. _I'm a doctor_, I'm a _gangster_, I was president of the _Golden Girls fanclub in high school_"

Kate looked over at a somber looking Sawyer. He was still chewing his pork chops.

"Did he impress you with his singing?" Jack continued. "Cuz I can sing too."

He made a fist and held it up to his mouth, obviously pretending to be holding a microphone.  
"Testing, 1 2 3," he said, tapping the top of his fist with his other hand. He chuckled, being the only one to appreciate just how charming he was but then quickly got down to business. He coughed once to clear his throat and then proceeded to sing a song that he thought would adequately portray him.

"Been spending most my life living in this gangsta's paradise," he sang. "Been spending most our lives living in this gangsta's paradise."

And then he stopped because those were all the words he knew.

Kate was horrified. His singing voice sounded just like hers.

With absolutely no reaction out of Kate and much less Sawyer, Jack went on, determined to prove himself.

"Dat don't fly with you?" He said. "No worries, I know another song by a certain Eminem that might get your juices flowin.'

"I'm sorry, Mama! I never meant to hurt youuuuuu. I never meant to make you cry, but tonight, I'm cleaning out my closet."

"Jack!" Kate interrupted, holding out her hand to signal him to stop. "Please don't ever try to get my juices _flowin'_ again."

"It's Jose!" he shouted.

Jack was about to continue with the Eminem song when another rustling sound came from the trees. This time the noise was accompanied with laughter and snorting.

"For the love of God, how many more people are spyin' on us!" Sawyer shouted.

Suddenly, Ana Lucia and Libby appeared. They were both riding on two separate hogs and laughing their asses off.

"And then he cried!" Ana gasped, throwing her head back and squealing with laughter. Libby- bloodshot eyes and all- doubled over and laughed too, breathlessly mouthing the words "he cried."

The hogs walked straight up to Sawyer, Kate and Jack, bringing Ana Lucia and Libby along on their backs. The closer they got the more Sawyer and Kate were able to smell the alcohol that emanated from them.

Jack looked over at his girlfriend and Libby, disappointed. "You're under the influence of alcohol and riding your hog?" he muttered. And then he cried.

They were so drunk that they couldn't even stop the hogs from stepping all over Kate and Sawyer's dinner blanket. Ana Lucia and Libby fell off their rides and rolled around on the sand while the hogs began licking the empty plates.  
Sawyer looked around him and realized what a disaster this special night had turned into.

Disclaimer

I do not own "baby got back" by Sir Mix-a-lot

Nor do I own "Cleaning out my Closet" by eminem

OR "gangster's paradise."

Just thought I'd make that clear.


	5. Sawyer is a Romantic

I dedicate this fic to Larry. Thank you for letting me rape your brain far too often. :-

Chapter 5: Sawyer is a Romantic

Sawyer went over the date in his head for the millionth time. Sure, it had gone pretty badly, and it probably wasn't Kate's idea of a good date, but hell if it wasn't the best date Sawyer had ever been on. In truth, it was the only date he'd ever been on and when he realized this he threw back his bottle of beer and chugged it down till he could forget that fact.

He, like Ana Lucia, Libby, and probably Jack by now, was drunk off his ass. He had left soon after Ana Lucia and Libby interrupted the date, leaving the boars, drunken girls, crying Jose and Kate to wallow in the remnants of what was supposed to be a truly romantic evening. He couldn't even bring himself to apologize to Kate for ruining everything so he took off, back to the camp, and was now laying on the sand, looking up at the stars.

He knew he'd be ending the night like this, he just thought it'd be with Kate by his side.

He took another drink when he heard footsteps behind him. Tilting his back he could see the image of an upside down Kate walking towards him.

"Hey," she said when she was standing right beside him.

He simply grunted and turned over on his side, too ashamed to even look at her.

"Why'd you leave?" she asked, taking a seat next to him on the sand. "You missed the best part."

Sawyer scowled. So there was a best part to his own date and he wasn't even there to see it. How very perfect.

When he didn't say anything, Kate went on, hoping to lift his spirits somewhat. "Ana Lucia and Libby started making out." She waited to see if this got any reaction from Sawyer. It didn't. "And then Jack tried to explain how his girlfriend wasn't a lesbian and how she only made out with girls when she was drunk and then he drank a bottle of vodka and tried to make out with a boar."

This time Kate detected a tiny movement in Sawyer's side. She could see his muscles tightening up and knew he was laughing even though she couldn't hear him.

"And then he cried?" Sawyer asked.

She could hear that he was smiling and it made her lips stretch into a wide grin. "Yeah, he cried," Kate said, as if it was obvious.

She stared at the back of his head wishing he'd turn around to see her. She tried nudging him a little but he wouldn't budge.

"Come on, Sawyer. I had a great time tonight."

And now he laughed so that she could definitely hear him. He finally turned onto his back and lay there on the sand giggling like a maniac.

"You are one _helluva _liar, Sweet cheeks!" he roared.

"I'm not lying! You're a lot more romantic than other guys on the island."

Sawyer sat up and leaned on his elbow, looking over at Kate, suspiciously. "And how would you know?"

"Well, Locke once told me that he'd give anything for a woman to rub coconut oil all over his head. And whenever I ask Claire how things are going with her and Charlie she's always too horrified to even tell me what his idea of foreplay is. Even Sun says that all Jin ever gets her is slimy fish. Those girls would probably kill for a sex tree! "

The corner of Sawyer's mouth began to twitch with the hint of a smile. He lay back down, finally starting to feel a little better about himself. His gifts _were _ always pretty good. Which reminded him of the object in his pocket he was meaning to give Kate.

"I got you something else," he exclaimed.

He dug his hand into his pocket and took out a two inch Minnie Mouse figurine. He scrutinized it for a moment, rubbing his thumb over the rubbery toy mouse wearing a white polka-dotted dress. The black paint at the edges of her ears and nose were chipped and it gave way to the doll's white interior. Her right foot was chewed off so that he could never get her to stand up right. It was pathetic. And an even more pathetic excuse for a gift. He looked pained as he handed it over to Kate, unwilling to meet her eyes.

"Your gift," he said, sardonically.

He watched her tentatively, out of the corner of his eye as she took the toy and looked at it curiously. He had never given a girl a non-sexual related gift before and was afraid his first attempt would fall flat.

"You told me once you never been to Disneyland," Sawyer tried to explain, half-heartedly. He had to admit that the whole idea behind the gift sounded silly even to him. "That's as close as I can get ya."

She didn't say anything, just looked at the toy so intently. This little thing she held in her hands caused so many emotions to stir inside of her. She had a Minnie Mouse doll just like it when she was a girl and the thought of Sawyer picking out the toy and thinking of her made an unexpected wetness come to her eyes.

To Sawyer though, she just looked sad. He was desperate for her to say something- that it was stupid, that it was sweet- whatever! The silence was killing him. Even though his romantic intentions were shot to hell, he still felt the urge to end the night on a good tone. And he had just the perfect thing prepared.

He raised his eyebrows as if the lightbulb went on in his head and reached into his pocket for his notepad.

"There were more things I wanted to say to you tonight. Look I even wrote them all down."

He handed her the notepad and she took it, opening it up to the first page. There were various lines that were crossed out and if she tried Kate could read that they were some vague, sexual remarks. She finally got to the linesthat were spared. She smiled as she read the romantic things Sawyer never got to say .

_I love your breasts_

_I love that thing you do with your mouth- you know the thing_

_I love how kinky you are_

Until the words dwindled down to their simplest form. _I love you, Freckles._

Kate's eyes left the notepad to look at Sawyer who still laying down but facing her. She lay down on the sand scooted over to be as close as possible to the man who'd given her the most romantic night of her life. Sawyer couldn't read her expression when she looked at himbut this whole laying down with him thing couldn't be that bad.

"I love you too," she said.

Sawyer smiled, looking up at the starry night Kate rested her head beneath his chin. So the night hadn't ended so badly after all and Sawyer could finally say he was a romantic.

He closed his eyes, stroked Kate's hair and let the air around them fill with a gentle hummed version of _Baby Got Back_

_FIN_


End file.
